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Wednesday 17 June 2026 09:25:45 GMT
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For ten years,
For ten years, "busy" was my best answer. Emails at midnight. Five hours of sleep. Lunch standing at the kitchen counter. When someone asked how I was — "exhausted." I said it the way other women say "fine." With a little pride underneath. Then I tried to fix it. Slept eight hours for a month. Took the vacation — ten days, ocean, no laptop. Bought the magnesium, the eye mask, the white noise machine. Came back. Two weeks later — same 6 AM heaviness. Same flat battery by 3 PM. I told myself the vacation was too short. Booked a longer one for next year. Kept the schedule that made it necessary. Here's the part nobody says out loud: … Your body doesn't know the difference between a deadline and a predator. Years of "busy" set your cortisol to permanent emergency. In that mode the math is fixed: fat settles on your middle no matter what you eat. Deep sleep gets cut — so eight hours in bed deliver four hours of recovery. Desire switches off entirely. A body in survival mode cancels wanting first. It's not in the budget. That's the physiology. It's only half the answer. The other half is worse. I stayed exhausted because exhaustion was useful. It proved I mattered. It excused the mirror. It postponed every question about my own life — you can't ask "what do I actually want" when you can barely stand. Tired was my identity. Rest was a threat to it. That's why the vacation didn't work. You can't out-sleep an identity. My energy didn't come back when I changed my schedule. It came back when I stopped needing to be the most exhausted woman in the room. The schedule took two weeks to rebuild. The identity took a year. The fatigue was never the problem. It was the alibi. Drop the alibi. The rest is logistics.

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